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“But what if?”

“Again? This doubting game is tiring for me. I gotta go now. I’ll give you a call.”

I stepped out of the car leaving Tina for a cigarette and a walk home which was like an hour. There were taxis but don’t we all need fresh air to think? And I really wanted to blow the smokes away selfishly!

She was too afraid of legitimating our relationship. And she blamed me for things like the fact that I myself am in still a relationship though I told her that since our first meeting.

Though she acted normal like not showing it directly about her wish for me to break up with my girl, often times she acted irritating!

What happened in the car was my asking her to be my girl after I end my relationship with my girl. She said she wasn’t sure of it. She said I shouldnt’ve asked that while I myself was still involved with my girl. I was only asking for reassurance but she made it worse by asking a question:

“What if,..what if one day when we are in a relationship then you meet a better one? Will you repeat all these?”

“You mean cheating?”

She nodded.

“Now I just can’t tell.”


“I just can’t tell. I think that’s clear already.”

“You suck.”

“And you don’t? Don’t you remember that I told you once about what happened to my relationship? I always believe that a relationship is not oly to build but to maintain as well. I did the maintaining things with her but I didn’t see it that way with her.”


“And so now I’m trying to build another one and expecting both of us to maintain it.”

“You haven’t ended it.”

“OK! OK! I am ending one, trying to build another and expecting both of us to maintain it! Happy???”

“Not happy!”

“Not happy because you can’t give me reassurance that if I broke up with her you would be mine!”

“But what if?”

“Again? This doubting game is tiring for me. I gotta go now. I’ll give you a call.”

And here I was walking this road.

On my sober days, I realized what drives Tina and I to be in a relationship…the fear of being alone. And for some maybe that is OK.But I guess it’s not for me. I left her with her fear. And I left my girl and my fear. I’m single facing my fear of being alone.

About thef1rstmanonjupiter

I'm a true ARIES--If you know what I mean. If you don't, google it:)

8 responses to “Brave

  1. daff ⋅

    and i have always thought that the reason of relationships is ‘love’. naive,eh? 😛

  2. daff ⋅

    don’t think,don’t love,those are the basic rules. 🙂 may love find you. best of luck! 😉

  3. Renotxa

    Love? apa itu?
    *baru aja baligh….
    Om Je, minal adizin wal faidzin.
    Maaf salah tulisan yey. *salim.
    THR dikirim kayak uang bulanan biasanya y.
    *benerin kemben.

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